Trust me, I'm a scienti- WIZARD.

I’m working over the summer for Environment Waikato, or the Waikato Regional Council, as they re-re-branded back to (de-branded?) recently. I’m part of a research team looking into peat soil shrinkage. Normally, I read a lot of reports on peat, but part of my job involves going out and doing field work on farms. Nitrogen analysis and the like. I don’t really do the science, I just dig the holes for the others to do science in. 

I was talking to my group’s manager/boss (who is pretty great) about gear to wear for field work. This was the conversation:

Bossman: So, we’ll have to sort you out with some steel capped boots for when you are on the field. It’s H&S regulation. And maybe an EW uniform shirt, too. …or not, perhaps…

Me: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard that you have a map with farms labelled on it that you just don’t go to while wearing a council uniform.

Bossman: Yeah, some of those farmers get pretty angry at the council being on their property. They usually calm down when they find out that you are doing soil analysis, but some don’t get around to asking, they just grab their rifles.

Me: What?!

Bossman: No, it’s usually okay. In the ten years I’ve worked here, there’s only been, what, three times that someone’s actually been hit by a farmer firing at them.

Me: WHAT?

Bossman: It’s fine! No one has actually been shot dead before.

Me, from that point till now: 0.o

(Photo taken by my friend Vanessa Ng, who was on loan from Auckland for a weekend)

Gee, the Waikato is an awfully pretty place. As sad as I was to say goodbye to the sea when I moved here, the fantastic variety and ubiquitousness of native and introduced flora and fauna almost fills the hole in my heart the sea has left (almost). Everyday I see delicious bundles of honeysuckle creepers, bizarre towering flamingo trees (otherwise and more boringly known as Chinese Cedar), rhododendrons that kick my mum’s rhododendron bushes’ butts, so many flowering cherry blossom trees, an entire row of a type of tree that, thanks to my Granddad years ago, I only know as “Holy shit, it’s those monkeybomb trees from when I was a kid!” and ohmygoodness so much else.

The peat and allophane rich soils pervading the Waikato region are the drivers behind the easily achieved lushness of the area, by sheer dint of greedily clinging to water and nutrients via chemistry magic and being the perfect pedality (crumbliness) for plant roots via physics magic. Which is lucky, because it means that even within Hamilton city there is a ton of pretty plants everywhere. It’s also bad, however, as there is a lot of peat based soils which are rapidly subsiding under overzealous drainage and tilling. But that’s a whole other cylinder of annelids. 

The obvious place to point out in Hamilton in terms of amazing flora would be the Hamilton Gardens. If you are ever in Hamilton (or just cruising past), I’d recommend the visit. However, there are plenty of other areas that are just as inspiring for anyone even remotely interested in the natural world. The photo above was taken at the Bridal Veil Falls, near Raglan. It is every bit as ridiculously pretty as the photo makes it seem and more. There is a walk near Hamilton city itself that takes you through some bush that houses a large colony of short-tail bats, one of only two species of mammals native to New Zealand. There is a nice tree plantation a wee bit away from the city that is filled with roosters (consider this fair warning). For all you misers, all of these places are completely free. You have no excuse but your own disinterest.

However, my favorite place for plant life in Waikato, and the reason why I’ve been writing this whole mess in the first place, resides on the Waikato University campus itself. Nestled uncomplainingly in a deserted corner of the campus is an unassuming little fernery, not a minute away from the science department. If I want to read in peace between classes, this is where I disappear. Nobody ever goes there. It is dark and peaceful, and has a bench next to a gurgling creek. 

This isn’t the reason it is my preferred plant place. It is presently my preferred plant place purely due to its patron plant, the Ptisana Salicina.

…sorry.

I like it because it has King’s Fern in it, King’s Fern being my current favorite plant. This little guy:

Not because it’s pretty. No because it’s useful. Oh no. I like it because I am a terrible person who has a poor taste in, and grasp of, irony. I find King’s Fern such an entertaining plant purely because it is severely endangered, which is why it is hidden in our fernery. That, and the fact that the major cause of King’s Fern rarity is not wild pigs, goats and sheep (who do contribute) but that most viscious of plant grazers, the wild botanist. King’s Fern is endangered due to a slow reproduction rate, coupled with being constantly taken from its environment by botanists who prize it for its rarity. Rarity they’ve created. I find this amusing. God knows why.

Yeah. That’s what this post was about. Not anything even relating to vegetation. Rather, a display of my poor, poor sense of humor. Feel free to track me down and slap me. I deserve it for wasting your time.

(But seriously, visit some of the places above. Bring your children if you have them. Make or steal some children to bring if you don’t. It’ll be totally worth it)

Every now and again I get an itch that can only be satisfyingly scratched by writing something, doing something or researching some random and oddly specific concept for no purpose whatsoever. The result of this itch is almost always immediately destroyed and forgotten, reducing the act of scratching the itch to an exercise in futility. 

I have a book I have tried a number of times to turn into a diary for my writing. It has no writing in it, but about twenty missing pages at the start. Those pages were maliciously destroyed. (This turned out to be a good thing. For some reason people have a knack for finding that particular book of all things)

To combat this, I figured I’d write a blog, of sorts, and try to avoid the “Destroy this abomination immediately” stage by deriving a sick sense of self-stimulating satisfaction from knowing that I’m a big-shot blogger on the internet who has AN ENTIRE SINGLE POST ON TUMBLER PARTYTIMES WOO!